The Devil’s History Part Three….

August 16, 2009 | Author: RssBlogger | Posted in Comedy, Lucifer Jones - The Real Devil

Greetings My Fellow Minions, Lucifer Jones here, picking up where I left off yesterday with the TRUE story of my history…

to recap the story:

I beat God in the first “Deity Poker Tourney” he cast me out of “heaven” and banished me to Hell and Earth, he showed up and posed a “game”

Whichever one of us could gain the most souls by the time his son (Jesus) came back to Earth (for the second time) would have total control over heaven and earth….

As I stood at what would become the Gates Of Hell, I had to create a place both big enough but also “scary” enough (as per God’s last request to me) to strike fear into the hearts and souls of all living people, now God’s idea of scary and MY idea of scary differ GREATLY lol, but at any rate, I began to construct my new underworld….

I made it 42 levels (although God instructed Dante to say there was 9 lol) each with it’s own theme to this day not ALL 42 levels are even finished, and we are constantly remodeling to make room for more and more souls, but I had the main levels finished by the earth year of 1925.

I decided to humor God (don’t ask me why) and I DID in fact construct 9 levels of Hell as Dante described in his little book of lies, But I made sure I put MY OWN spin on them, and make no mistake DANTE NEVER EVER EVER VISITED HELL!

The first nine levels of hell were:

Level 01 Limbo
Unlike what Dante wrote about, Limbo is exactly what a child would think it was, a HUGE demon Limbo contest, you must FIRST take part in the limbo contest before you can be placed in Hell, I know it might sound like fun and games, BUT don’t let me forget to mention, the limbo stick is ON FIRE!

Level 02 The Lustful
This level is just plain SICK! imagine tons and tons of the most beautiful women as far as the eye can see, glorious breasts flawless bodies, and the faces of “angels” sounds great right? now imagine your there, no mouth, arms or legs, just forced to LOOK upon all this flesh, never able to partake in it.

Level 03 The Gluttonous
Ahh we all want more, and in this level there’s always more, no matter what it is, you’ll never have enough, try as you might, it will never be right, day and night you’ll try to fill the void, but each time you fill it, it will empty out again.

Level 04 The Hoarders and the Spendthrifts
Imagine a place where no matter what you have, it is taken from you, that is what awaits the damed in this level of Hell, when you arrive you have EVERYTHING you had when you were alive, but the minute you try to touch it, it vanishes, when all is gone, it all reappears, only to repeat over and over again.

Level 05 The River Styx – The Wrathful and the Sullen
Believe it or not, I sort of phones this one in, it’s just an endless river, and your boat is full of holes lol

Level 06 The City of Dis – The Heretics
This level is a giant church where 24 hours a day for the rest of your afterlife you will be bombarded with readings from EVERY religion, known and unknown, there is no escape from this level, but there are weekend passes lol

Level 07 The Violent
This one is one of my personal favorites, remember the old PBS shows, Sesame Street, Mr.Rogers, Mr. Dressup and others? can you fathom an entire world like those shows? a world so full of love and happiness that it literally oozes from everywhere? that’s what’s in store for you in this level of hell!

Level 08 Malebolge – The Fraudulent
In this level (another phoned in level I must admit) the damned are faced to relive each and every one of their lies.

Level 09 Cocytus – The Traitors
This is another favorite of mine, in this level of hell the damned are forced to live the most mundane of lives, crappy job, crappy house, crappy wife and kids, everything about it is crappy, and nothing ever goes their way, it’s pretty much like not being dead at all lol

Level 10 The Exits From Hell
Scattered around hell are doors that lead to various places on earth, as said in the CW show “Reaper” “Pretty much anyplace on earth that feels like hell is a portal to hell” truer words were never spoken, with the proper pass, the damned are free to go back and forth from hell and earth via the various exits from hell.

To Be Continued Soon