The Devil’s History Part One….
Greetings my fellow minions,
Lucifer Jones here.
Thanks to the TONS (and I do mean TONS) of emails and Tweets I’ve gotten over the past few months I figured I should just go ahead and tell my side of the story as it were.
See, since the dawn of religious texts, I’ve been made out to be the bad-guy, the evil one, the reason for ALL the bad in the world, and that is NOT THE CASE!
I’ve decided to finally set the record straight and tell all of you what the REAL STORY of God and Me is!
So, sit back, grab a drink and or a smoke and read the REAL story of my history….
In the beginning it was dark, (you know the drill) and then “WE” created the earth, by “WE” I mean there was about 7 of us total all the names are not important at this very moment, and truth be told if they were really so worried about getting the credit that God took from them they would be out there doing as I have been doing!
Anyway so the 7 of us created the earth, well more like 6 of us and God played the role of ‘foreman’ cause he pretty much just stood around and watched us all do all the damn work! (I was responsible for most of the desert landscapes, and what would later be named “Detroit Michigan”)
Once the general topography was created, it was time to breath life to this weird new little rock, I went first and created the dinosaurs, they were a huge pain in the ass I must admit looking back, HUGE bodies, tiny tiny friggan brains!
After a while God wiped them out with a….. nah it’s not important lol, but at any rate they were wiped off the planet, and we were told to start over from scratch.
this time ALL 7 of us got in on the creating of “animals” (mine were snakes and reptiles DUH and… well, umm, ok fine… the sheep) After we had created all the various types of animals, (and plants and so forth) we pretty much just sat back and watched, (we did that allot actually) and after awhile we got pretty BORED!
So God came up with this idea, (Man) and the rest of us were like WTF??? but God stuck to his guns and created this thing he called man… later to be renamed simply “Adam” (we figured out in a VERY short time that the real reason God created this “Adam” was so that Adam would worship God lol, what a ego huh?)
So at any rate the next few years we all just sat back and watched Adam, and BOY was Adam DULL! you could not believe the shit he got himself into (these days it would have been a high rated reality TV show lmao) but God loved every minute of it, forcing Adam to “pray” and “worship” him.
God tried to get the rest of us to “play along” with Adam but no one but God was interested in the “game” in fact, the other 5 (creators) got so fed up with God and his ego that they literally just LEFT! and it ended up being JUST me and God.
meanwhile Adam was whining like a little bitch EVERY DAY to God, “God I’m Lonely, God send me a companion, God I’m BORED” I sooooo just wanted to take Adam out, but God just wouldn’t let me (fucker!) but God did give Adam what he asked for AND it turned out to be Adam’s Demise as well….. EVE
You all know how that story went, BUT it was in fact a bit twisted, allow me to set the record straight.
I CREATED EVE, NOT GOD! (Makes PERFECT SENSE HUH?) well honestly folks, YOUR WELCOME! if it was up to god “Eve” would have been a carbon copy of “Adam” and I was tired of watching one of him as it was, so, I dug down deep into my brain and created the perfect image of pure beauty, and Eve was created…. BUT of course there was a catch….
Since Adam was such a whiny little bitch, I had to put a stipulation on him getting a little playmate, I told God “Make him give up part of his body to get his wish” God scoffed at me, but I persisted until he finally gave in, so God went to Adam and told him, “Give me two ribs and you shall have your mate” Adam concurred and let God take his ribs (DUMBASS LMAO) and God brought the ribs to me and I hung them up on my wall (I still have them to this very day!)
I got to work creating Eve and then sent her down to Adam, what followed was pretty much the first “Porn” which of course God never watched, but I was all for it! ALL THEY DID for months and months was have sex, all over “gods green earth” lol I have to admit that I grew tired of it, So to make a stop to it I created my next greatest goof of all time…. Menstruation! (Sorry guys, Blame Adam lol)
so while Eve is all “Raggin” and Adam is wishing he never gave up his ribs for all of this, God decided it was time to have some fun with our creations, he set forth one and only one rule “Do Not Eat From This Tree” (you know the tree lol) well that was enough to set Eve off on a wild tear, she bitched for DAYS and DAYS about Adam being a looser, and why couldn’t they have nice things like the apples from the tree.
It was about 3 months later (I think) when Adam finally had enough, he picked an apple from the tree, handed it to Eve and she took a bite……
WHAMO God appeared in front of them and banished them from “paradise” and sent them out on their own without any more help or guidance from him (funny thing God NEVER gave them any guidance prior to that point so they really did not miss anything lol)
When he got back “home” he went on a tirade he yelled and screamed and threw a bunch of stuff around, and I was just laughing, God could just NOT STAND the fact that these “slaves” these “tools” for his own amusement would NOT submit to his will. (Looking back I think that moment might have been the first ever “Emo” moment in history lol)
God pretty much stayed in his “room” for the next hundred years or so and he didn’t speak to me at all.
(He later would twist the truth and stick ALL the blame on ME!)
So, Adam and Eve went on with their “lives” they had kids, who had kids who had kids etc etc and this went on for years and years and years, God FINALLY came out of his funk and decided to look in on his new little world “he” had “created” needless to say he was NOT HAPPY (and again who did he blame?)
I shrugged it off, and God and I just went about our normal lifes together, we really were like best friends (BFF’S as you kids would say lol) we played cards almost every night, and for shits and giggles we would fuck with the people on earth, till one night, we had called a bunch of gods over (of course there’s more then just “God” lol) and we held the first ever “Deity Poker Tourney”
The tourney lasted 6 months, 6 days, and 6 hours (666 get it???) it was down to just me and god, and I had the best hand EVER, (god was bluffing and BAD!) so I went all in, god showed his hand…. (PURE SHIT!) I showed my hand and WON! All the other deities laughed and cracked jokes at God, and God just lost his mind!
within a few mins God blew up 3 of the deities, and destroyed “Sodom” everyone ran, (I stood there) I was literally shocked! I mean I knew he had one hell of an ego but I could have NEVER predicted what was to come next……
God told me that I was to be cast from heaven and banished me to the deepest depths of “Hell” (at the time it did not even have a name)
To Be continued Tomorrow…
Author: RssBlogger
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