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Q: I have always faked orgasms with my husband. I’m quite the pro—he has no idea he’s not pleasing me. Should I tell him? And, if so, how and when? I don’t want to tell him at a time when the information would be hurtful, such as in the middle of a fight about why we haven’t had sex in the last month. But I can’t really bring it up over dinner either, “Wow, this is a great Bratwurst! I’ve never had an orgasm with you.” Help! – Lying Between the Sheets

Dear LBS:

So I’m sure you’ve read that this is all in your head, right? There are plenty of books and experts out there who like to blame being unorgasmic on the woman, saying things like, “Just relax more” and “be more open minded” and “be at one with your body.” While there may be some truth to such advice—especially if you’ve been sexually abused—I don’t think this is the case with you and with most women.

What I think is going on here is plain and simple: your spouse sucks in bed.

But this isn’t a terminal problem, and it’s not even a criticism of your spouse. It’s my firm belief that MOST OF US suck in bed.

Only rare people are experts at sex—and these people usually get paid good money for that expertise.

The rest of us are generally happy that we somehow figured out how to make a baby. Oh THAT goes THERE? NOW IT GET IT.

Indeed, the art of pleasuring men and women is not something that is usually passed down from one generation to the next (although the Art of Not Getting Knocked Up or VD usually is). It’s not taught in school. And most grown ups don’t share sex tips like they do recipes and parenting advice.

As a result, nearly all of us could stand to learn a thing or two or three about better pleasing our partners.

Good lovers are not born. They are made—by experimenting, by being curious, and by studying the topic.

This is what I would do if I were you.

1. I would tell my husband that I have something I’d like to share. I would ask him if this is a good time.
2. I would say, “I’m feeling very nervous. I’m scared to tell you this because I’m worried that I might hurt your feelings. I also worry that you’ll get mad at me. It’s very important for me to know that you will not automatically react to what I have to tell you. Can you promise me that you will listen to what I have to say, think about it, sit with it for a while, and then tell me what you think?” [Let’s hope he says, “Yes,” here.]
3. “Okay, so, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it. I’ve been lying to you for years about how satisfied I am in bed. I know you’d like to have sex more often, and I’d like to want to have sex more often, too. I so want to please you and make you happy sexually. But the problem is that I am not enjoying sex. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve never orgasmed. I’ve been faking it all of these years. I feel terrible about this. I also feel inadequate. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I really want to enjoy sex and I want to please you in bed. I want us both to enjoy sex together. So I’ve been reading up on this—searching for a way to solve this problem….”
4. Allow him to digest that. Once he has, explain that you’d like to be more experimental in bed—that you’d like to try a number of different techniques and positions, in hopes that something will work. Say that you’d like to learn everything you can about sexual techniques, and that you’d like him to learn it with you.

Then, how you learn about sex is your business, but here are some suggestions that I think might work.

Watch educational DVDs, and watch them together. Start with oral and hand jobs, because those are the fastest ways for him to learn how to please you. Save those “finding the G spot” and “607 sexual positions that only acrobats can do” for later on. Make sure to get some DVDs about how you can better please him, too. Here are some educational DVDs to consider:

• Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex
• Sexplorations DVD Collection
• The Art of Orgasm
• Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Handjobs

Subscribe to and read Alexa DiCarlo’s blog The Real Princess Diaries. Alexa is an escort, and she writes about her experiences in this blog. Reading it is not just a vicarious thrill. You can learn a lot from her about how to please a man or a woman (she swings both ways). I find it particularly fascinating to learn about all of the things married men ask her to do with them in bed—things that they are apparently too embarrassed to ask their wives to do. It’s quite an eye-opener and a good reality check for husbands and wives alike.

See a sex therapist. My husband and I met with one over the summer and it really took things up a notch.

Download your copy of Project Happily Ever After: Relationship Rules.

In this free e-book, you’ll learn some of the strategies I used to turn my Mr. Good for Nothing into my Mr. Good for Something, including ten Relationship Rules.