I Was Wrong
At least, I think I was. I’m not completely sure, which is why I’m writing this post—so I can find out what you all think.
Many of you responded to What To Do When Your Partner Sucks In Bed. Some responded here in the comments area, others on Facebook, and still others in personal emails sent only to me. The upshot of most of the responses was this: Any woman who has been faking orgasms for years ought not to come clean. The reasons why she should keep her lips zipped varied. They included:
- The male ego is very fragile. If her husband learned that he’d never once pleased her in bed, he might end up traumatized for life.
- If her husband found out that she’d been lying throughout their relationship, how could he ever trust her again?
- She could teach her husband how to pleasure her in bed without dinging his ego at the same time. Rather than mention that she’d never orgasmed, she could mention that she’d like to enhance their sex life and try some new things in the bedroom.
When I got the first few comments about the fragile male ego, I thought something along the lines of, “Oh, come on. Are you telling me that men are THAT sensitive?” So I posed this hypothetical to my husband, “Let’s say I’ve been faking all of my orgasms for years. Would you want me to tell you?”
His answer? No.
And he didn’t even follow up with a, “Well, have you?”
I was blown away. Were the situation reversed, I WOULD want to know. For many years, in fact, I sucked at giving blowjobs. (Yes, that pun was intended, and, yes, I try to use the word “blowjob” as often as possible in this blog because I like that word. For some warped reason, the word “blowjob” is one of my favorite words of all time). Whenever I asked my husband about my technique, he lied and told me it was great. I knew he was lying because, whenever I tried to give him a blowjob, he aborted the mission before completion, pulling me away and suggesting we have intercourse instead. I never once was able to get him off with oral. I knew I was doing something wrong. Just knew it.
So I read up on the matter. I asked some gay male friends about it. I ordered a “how to give a blowjob” DVD. Now? I give a fantastic blowjob. If you don’t believe me, just ask my husband.
I was never mad at my husband for lying about my technique. After all, he was lying because he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. More important, it doesn’t really matter. It was probably easier for me to read my way to a better blowjob than to have my husband try to teach me. After all, what does he know about giving a good blowjob? He’s never given one.
And even though it doesn’t bother me that my husband lied, I am a person who values honesty, especially honest feedback about my behavior, skills, and talents. My favorite friends are the ones who can be brutally honest when I ask them how my hair looks or what they think of my writing. It’s that kind of honest feedback that helps me grow into a better person.
That said, I value a certain amount of discreteness, too. For example, if my husband slept with someone early in our relationship and he never slept with that person again, I wouldn’t want to know about it now. I’d rather live in ignorant bliss, because there’s nothing I can do about it now. That information could only do one thing: cause me pain.
For this reason, I believe a certain amount of deception is a normal part of marriage. I’m almost positive that my husband has kept some secrets from me. I’ve kept a couple from him. I’m guessing most of you would say the same.
Which brings me to this poll. I’m very curious how you all stand on a number of issues. I want to state right up front that I don’t think there are any right or wrong answers to any of these questions. I’ve included this poll in hopes that we might all educate one another about the various different ways to see the same situation. I also encourage you all to leave comments based on any of the poll questions, for the same reason.
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