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AKA

This Post Has No Point, But I Felt Like Writing It Anyway

1. 

   Beauty is relative.

   Over the weekend, while at an aquarium, I noticed a number of people who were filming and photographing the sea creatures inside the various tanks. Some of these people seemed to have one eye permanently glued to either a camera or a camcorder. It made me wonder: In order to capture the experience on camera, were they missing out on experiencing the fish in the moment? If you never truly were present in the moment, can you relive an experience later on by looking at a picture of that moment?

2. Generally, I think it’s best to observe nature in nature. I like to see birds outside, and not in cages, for instance. It’s more exciting that way. When you catch a glimpse of a rare bird flying overhead, you feel special, as if the universe has just smiled your way. When you see one in a cage? Not so much. One exception: Jellyfish. When I see them in the ocean or lying dead on a beach, I think, “Ick. Yuk. Stay away! Not going near THAT.” When I see them in an aquarium tank, though, I think they are the most beautiful creatures on the planet.
3. I really wanted to enter Tracy O’Connor’s Scary Product Contest at I Hate My Message Board. Unfortunately, I’ve been rather busy lately, so I never got around to finding a scary product. I tried to find one on the Internet just now, and I thought I came across the perfect thing until I read the contest rules more closely and discovered that I had to take a photo of the product and then post that photo on my blog. There was no way I could get the product delivered in time to take the photo. Lesson learned: Sometimes the difference between winning and losing has nothing to do with how one plays the game and everything to do with how much one procrastinates.
4. About that scary product contest, I need to say this. Apparently I’m close-minded when it comes to artwork. In fact, I think this artist is in dire need of a sex life.
5. I’ve heard people joke that some of the things we swallow accidentally (thinking of flies and other small bugs) or not-so accidentally (thinking of a man’s life force) have “protein.” But I think this cookbook is taking things a step too far. And, yes, this was my runner up entry for the scary product contest.
6. I haven’t eaten a candy corn in about 30 years, mostly because it has been about that long since I’ve been trick or treating. I also have never considered candy corn to be a true food. No amount of false advertising in the world would be able to convince anyone that these things do anything remotely beneficial for the human body. When I inspected the label for a box of candy corns, I found that these things are composed entirely of sugar, corn syrup and food coloring. You might think that this knowledge would have stopped me from breaking my Non Candy Corn Eating Streak. You would think wrong. Not only is my blood sugar somewhere above 400 at the moment, but I can also add candy corns to the following list of foods that I’ve recently rekindled a love for: corn chips, cheese puffs, and macaroni and cheese. Parenting will do this to a woman.
7. Today’s children are just as likely to take a liking to the song YMCA as children did 35 years ago, even though they have no idea who the Village People are or what they look like.
8. If you are going to have lentils for dinner, you really ought to make sure your bed partner has lentils, too.
9. I read in Psychology Today that most people think of themselves as kind, even though the people around them might see them as anything but. That notion made me stare at the ceiling for quite a while, thinking of the few people who I’ve, at one time or another, decided were worthy of rotting in hell. Could it be possible that these people were really kind on the inside and just inept at showing that kindness on the outside?
10. Sometimes I hear a song that I haven’t heard in years. The song will trigger a memory of the last time I heard that song. Often, what I remember is something incredibly monotonous and boring. It’s the type of memory that no human brain has any business keeping stored. Keeping such memories stored in my brain is like putting blank photos in a photo album. They just waste space—space that could better be used for other things, I think. I wonder if this is why I sometimes can’t remember important things—like which airport I should go to so I can catch my departing flight. Maybe my brain’s hard drive is so packed full of dumb and boring memories that it doesn’t have any space left for the newer, more important memories. For instance, why do I still remember the time, during high school, when I went through the McDonald’s Drive Thru and ordered a fries and a shake while “She’s Crafty” was playing on the radio? Why can’t I delete that memory so I can make more space for the important ones? That’s what I’d like to know.
11. What causes ink pens to explode inside of purses? I’ve often wondered.
12. How does Santa gather up all of the wish lists from all of the kids in the world? My 5 year old would like to know. The answer, “I don’t know. It’s magic” didn’t cut it. By the way, she no longer wants to be a racecar driver when she grows up. Now she wants to be one of Santa’s elves.
13. How come you always have an annoying amount of spare change when you don’t need it, but you never have a quarter handy when your kid wants to play that stupid claw game that seems to populate the entryway of every single diner in America? And is it really possible to nab a stuffed animal with the claw, or is the entire game just a cruel trick designed to make parents look incompetent in front of their beloved children?
14. Why do so many people worry about keeping their floor mats clean? Aren’t the floor mats the things that are supposed to keep stains off the floor? The same goes for tablecloths and placemats.
15. When I allow myself to think of the Earth as this small blue planet that is part of a solar system that’s part of a galaxy that is one small part of a humongous universe, I nearly have a panic attack. Does this happen to anyone else?
16. Why are we all so embarrassed by bodily functions when bodily functions are among the few things that we all have in common? Everyone poops. No one likes to do it in a public restroom. Why is that?
17. I didn’t want the last few lines of my post to be about poop, so I added a seventeenth thought even though I didn’t really have one. That probably says something about me, but I’m not sure what that is.

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