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Writers Teach You How to Talk Your Way Out of a Bad Marriage

At times I’ve wondered whether my career as a writer played a role in my ability to save my marriage. Does my skill at choosing and organizing words on a computer screen help me to more effectively choose and organize words verbally when trying to convince my husband that I am right and he is wrong? Are writers better communicators? And, if so, can married folks learn lessons in communication from some of the nation’s best writers? What follows are marriage tips from professional writers. You’ll notice that some contradict each other. You know what? Communication tactics that work for some marriages don’t work for others. That’s okay. Just read through and pick and choose which tactics might work for yours.

Tips From Writers

1. “Direct and emotionless works. Almost robotic–’I need x done’ or ‘you need to pick up so and so.’  If there is no tone, emotion, slightest bit of whine in my voice, it will get done without argument.  I use this with my eldest son (who is remarkably like my husband). If I were to say, “Do you mind taking out the garbage?” he would answer, “Yes I do.”  He is honest–he minds and now that bag ain’t moving. I’m not about to argue and being tough guy doesn’t work with him. Instead I say, ‘Hey Luc, take the trash up for me, k.’ And I just keep moving. No waiting for his ideas, no waiting for whining, and above all, NO eye contact.” — Claudine Jalajas
2. “The first time I went to a dance when I was in junior high, I was really nervous. I felt awkward, I was worried no boy would ask me to dance, and I had no idea what to say to any boy who wasn’t one of my three brothers. My mom was matter-of-fact. ‘Ask questions and listen to the answers,’ she advised me. ‘People always like to talk about themselves. Teenage boys do too. And if you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say, they’ll like you.’ My mom’s advice made my shoulders relax: listening to a boy and asking him questions took the burden of thinking up something witty and charming to say off of me. The dance was kind of embarrassing but also a lot of fun. To this day, when I feel shy or awkward in a new situation, I ask people questions and get them talking about themselves.” — Jennifer Margulis
3. “I pretty much just follow my mom’s philosophy: Agree with everything the husband says, then do whatever you want. Hey, she was married for 55 years and I’m going on 30.” — Jane Boursaw
4. “One thing that has improved my writing in the recent years is that I have reduced the length of my sentences. I used to have very long-winded sentences, which although grammatically correct, were not very sophisticated or succinct in style. By reducing my sentence length and breaking longer sentences into several short ones, my ideas became sharper and more cohesive. And now, I find, when I talk in shorter sentences, I’m more likely to hold my husband’s attention, too, particularly since English is his second language!” — Andi Fisher
5. “You learn as much from listening to the silences as you do from listening to words. Good silences, bad silences, and places between — they are all there, and all ways to learn.” — Kerry Dexter
6. “Be clear and write/say exactly what you want to communicate. A trick for this is to do a first round where you don’t worry about making it sound good or right or elegant or witty or fancy – just focus on the message. In other words, say it in plain speak, the way you say it in your head. Don’t bury it in excuses or flowery language. Just be direct and clear and get it done.” — Julie Roads
7. “Once, my husband and I were going someplace.  I was driving and we were stopped at a red light. ‘We need to have a talk,’ I told him.  Then I reached over and locked all the car doors.  He looked pretty damned panicky — but he knew I was serious. So, my tip: When you want to get your message across, cut off all avenues of escape.” – Ruth Pennebaker
8. “Forget subtly. I’ve learned to ask my husband exactly what I want and when I want it done. So ‘honey, could you help clean up the kitchen?’ is out and ‘Will you please take out the trash right after dinner’ gets a much better response. Obviously, I don’t do this with everything, but when I don’t get specific than I just think in my head ‘he’ll know what I’m talking about’–yeah, he doesn’t. Getting direct helps both of us.” — Kristen Gough
9. “‘When in doubt, don’t.’ I didn’t create this gem–and you’ve probably heard it many times. On the surface it may sound very expression-inhibiting, but I’ve found it to be quite the opposite. It eliminates the impulse reaction (aka: I wish I hadn’t said/done that) and makes room to sit with your own feelings before responding or taking an action.” — Meredith Resnick
10. “Speaking is only one half of successful communication. The other half? Listening. How many times have you and your significant other been caught up in a conversation that seemed more like a competition to finish a thought than an exchange of ideas? Instead of focusing on what we’re going to say next, we need to learn to turn off the dictation in our heads and just listen. This isn’t easy. While the average person speaks about 130 words per minute, our thinking speed is about 500 words per minute! So that’s why our brains are often jumping ahead of the conversation! Try to sit back and really hear what your partner is saying to you. Absorb it. Understand it. When you do, you’ll be able to take his or her point of view into consideration as you formulate your response.” — Kris Bordessa
11. “Once in a while my husband gets on an emphatic tear where he instructs the heck out of me on every little thing. So, I smile sweetly and ask, ‘Is there anything else you’d like to be bossy about?’ Most times this makes us both laugh, and we can move past the Mr. Do As I Say mode.” — Roxanne Hawn
12. “I do a lot of ghostwriting and book doctoring and I have found that when telling someone what needs to be fixed in their book, I always start with what is right about it. I talk about the great ideas, excellent organization or vivid examples they offer. Then, I move into talking about what needs to be fixed. I think this is a good rule in general to use for critiques. Saying something nice makes the process easier and the person has something to feel good about.”–  Brette Sember
13. “Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes that’s when the other person feels safest to gather their thoughts and express them.” — Sheryl Kraft
14. “Hinting doesn’t work with men. Ask for what you want and you’ll be surprised at how often your wish will come true.” — Melanie McMinn
15. “Before you open your mouth, ask yourself if what you’re about to say comes from a place of love. While I don’t always manage to catch every snarky, bitchy I think before it becomes verbal shards, I’m getting better!” — Stephanie Stiavetti

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